“I will not fear
Fear is the mindkiller,
Fear is the little death
That brings total Oblivion
I will permit my fear to pass
Over me and through me
And where it has gone
I will turn the inner eye
Nothing will be there
Only I will remain.”—i shouldn’t even have to say
so today i was sitting down and smoking a bowl at work. totally normal day. and i start like, hacking up these nasty fucking spitwads. and like, the last one, the nastiest one, when it’s all airborne and spinning sending little spittle drops everywhere on it’s way from my throat to the fucking floor, shines this very strong red hue.
and i’m thinking like, fuck.
so i go and check it out. yeah, blood in my phlegm. not fucking good. i freak out. i freak out, like, oh shit. of course like, i just sit there and go cold. not like, ryan glenn freak out pacing around and shit looking it up on the internet. but like, just silently thinking some really shitty things to myself.
i get up, walk back inside, do a couple things and i walk by the bathroom and get an idea. i’m thinking to myself, please god let this be a fucking bloody nose that just dripped down into my throat, please.
i blow my nose, fucking blood everywhere. gross as fuck, but not blood in the lungs.
the rest of the day has kind of been just so-so after that. i think i’m going to just quit smoking cigarettes finally. after getting that scared, i think it’s like, you gotta.